morning tidbits

* I don't know why I've been in such a bloggy mood lately. But I am.

* I got my haircut this week. I like my short, short hair. I never have to deal with it. But I do have great hair (not to give myself airs or anything), so sometimes i feel guilty for liking it so short. I always get happy vibes from the stylist when s/he cuts my hair. What I don't like is when they get a vision for my hair. It's usually not in my vision. Thankfully, this last time the stylist managed to keep her vision to verbal conversation about the potential of my hair. I have found that I tend to get the haircut that I want from male stylists. My hair style is short and feminine, and men seem to accept that more than women.

* We started eating cold cereal again this week. There are few times in life when I buy cold cereal. At the beginning of my pregnancy when I need to put something in my stomach asap, and I usually get a gingery cereal to help with the nausea. At Christmas, when we can choose our favorite cereal. And now at the end of the pregnancy when I just can't seem to make anything happen. We're pretty big fans of oatmeal, and not buying cold cereal saves a lot of money. But there are just some times when you need cold cereal in your life. Incidentally, now I can add cold cereal to the list of Things Ellis Will Eat (he does like oatmeal, too--just not granola).

Park Day

This morning, E and I were out the door bright and early for my weekly midwife appointment. All is well. We're just waiting. I measured 35 cm, which is a nice size. I asked if she thought he was engaged (in the pelvis) yet, but she said she didn't expect him to be until after I started labor, he was sitting nicely in the dip, though. But I could've told you that. He's been hanging out there for a long time.

Since I'm GBS positive, they want me there early on to get my doses of antibiotics. And since my first labor was, as she described it, efficient (5 hours of active labor, with a little help from Pit), my second labor will likely be even more "efficient." So "your bags are packed, right?"

She also said something that was music to a pregnant woman's ears: just rest as much as you possibly can. She did not say that I would go into labor tomorrow. She did not say that I would go into labor at 40 weeks. She did say that we're just waiting for the baby to be ready. And was very chipper about it. I did not cry after my appointment.

Afterwards, E and I went to Park Day and met up with our buddies. Maddie is moving soon. Boohoo. I found them in the tunnel playing. Maddie said they were watching TV. E was just kicking the sides. Funny to see the difference between girl and boy right there.

I stayed at the park for three hours with E. It took him about two minutes to fall asleep tonight.

C started a new job. Yea, as if two weren't enough. Fortunately he can do some of it from home, but sometimes needs to go to the office, about a 35-45 min drive from our house. We have one car. Hopefully, with this job we can buy another. C is basically a self-taught computer geek. He's basking in the fact that with his most recent two jobs he's getting paid to work on the computer. It's nice to see him enjoy his work and use his skills.

7 things

Erin tagged me. So here goes with 7 bits of things about me you may or may not know:

1. I have a mole on my left hand. It's how I used to remember which hand was left. I may have used this fact in a previous meme.

2. Ever since seeing the movie Pollyanna with Hayley Mills as a kid, I've had a thing for prisms. Can't get enough of dancing rainbows on the wall.

3. I can eat an average sized watermelon by myself in two days. Watermelon is my favorite.

4. I have trouble suspending reality when I watch movies/tv shows. So I'm pretty much a loser when it comes to anything remotely suspenseful, involves loud noises and blood, or relies on anything besides dialog and pretty scenery to carry the story along. Sometimes this makes me sad, because I know the movie is worth watching, I just can't watch it. Examples of things I can't watch: Jurassic Park, CSI anything, Kill Bill, the entire horror genre.

5. Thomas the Train weirds me out. I don't offer to E as a viewing option very often.

6. Today I saw a bumper sticker. It was in the image of a dog paw and said "Who rescued who?" By the end of the red light I was about ready to go the roof in annoyance, the kind of edge that you get when someone scratches the chalkboard. It's "who rescued WHOM?" OBJECTIVE CASE, BUDDY!!!!!!!!!

7. I have this strange idea that I can use Facebook solely for social networking purposes and not for entertainment.

* Here's an 8th item. I don't mind writing memes, but I don't like to pass them on. Now that my blog is five and a half years old, I consider myself middle-aged in blogging years. That means I'm getting crotchety, so I'll not pass it on. But if you want to do it and pretend I passed it to you, by all means. I'll play along. ;-)

some good words

I was trying to explain this to myself earlier today, why we do what we do with respect to some of our parenting choices. I feel like this post by Sally Clarkson really nailed a lot of what I was trying to hash out in my own brain:

Not too long ago, I was meeting with a sweet mom in a coffee shop and she brought her two children along. They were sweet children, but they were all over her and ran her ragged. I was talking with my older children later about it and asked them what we did differently. It was humorous to hear how opinionated they were, but it also reminded me how intentionally we taught them to be patient and to wait their turn–because they all remembered it the same way. It is the concept that I call self-government–probably a Victorian character quality that I read about along the way and in a book about the principle approach to life.

The definition of self-government is the idea that a person learns to command himself, his impulses, his work habits, his emotions, His intellect and talents and rule over his will in a productive way. Children can begin this at a very early age, but it is also of utmost importance to adults–as one cannot be a mature believer unless one has mastered self-government and self-control and patience.

...

Sometimes when people find out that Clay and I are grace-based in our approach to parenting, people assume that that means lenient and undisciplined. However, we were very idealistic and had high expectations for our children, but we instructed them through consistent training, not primarily through force and multiple spankings but through relational discipleship based training. Our philosophy also looked at each child differently–as an individual–so that we could best figure out what appealed to and reached teh heart of each child. Introverts responded differently and behaved differently than our extroverts. Boys were differently wired than our girls. Learning issues and maturity levels greatly influenced a child’s ability to be mature. All factors which cause us to understand that we needed to appeal to each child’s heart based on knowing the heart of each child.

Dandelions and ice cream

We went over to the arboretum again this afternoon. It's hands-down a much better place to walk than, say, the mall. The mall is sort of the cliche place where a pregnant woman who is desperate to have her baby goes to walk and walk. Since I go to the mall maybe once a year, if that, you can see how much appeal that has for me.

When we go over to the arboretum, it seems that one special thing strikes me every time, whether it be birthday daffodils, exhilirating flowering trees, or fiddle-headed ferns. I never know what it's going to be until I get there. Today it was dandelions. Last week, my mom showed Ellis how to Pick a Dandelion and Give to Your Mom. We walked along, and he picked a puffy dandelion for me. I showed him how to blow the puff (sorry, arboretum). Before I knew it we were plopped in the grass blowing puffs and sniffing buttercups. It was magical in the way only a kid can make an pesky weed be.

Before we went over to the arboretum, I was in a majorly crabby mood. I didn't sleep well last night. I'm cumbersome, tired, and huge. blah, blah. I know it sounds cheesy, but being there in the quiet with the green and the trees and the scent of honeysuckle in the air was incredibly soothing. Yes, it really is that idyllic there. Communing with nature is in my roots, and it comforts me in a deep primordial way. I hope I can give my kids a similarly satisfying experience, of pointing out all the details that my parents showed us, to show the pleasure we take in watching the ordering of the seasons, first the bulbs, then the trees, trillium, lilacs...

Ellis noticed the pollen strands littering the sidewalk underneath the oak trees. I showed him a branch with a few strands still attached, and we watched them blow down in the breeze.

We stopped by the little cabin that sits next to a gurgling brook. I sat on the bench and Ellis threw bits of leaves into the stream. I saw a woman painting with her easel set up on the bridge. I thought that if I could paint, I would want to capture the way the sunlight glimmered through the young maple leaves.

I enjoyed this afternoon with E. We have so few remaining, just the two of us. He probably won't remember his life before his brother, but I will.

Watch online

You can watch the documentary, The Business of Being Born, free-streaming online: here.

I've already written about it. But I thought I'd put in an extra plug. Upon rewatching it, I'd highly recommend it to women are pregnant for their first time (or any time!) or wanting to become pregnant, because it really goes into the choices you have and gives clear information that your doctor might not be as forthwith about (like about Pitocin and stuff).

My two cents.

Anyway, I rewatched it this weekend hoping it would be a little pep rally, but it wasn't really. I'm trying to take each day at a time.

Reminding myself that weeks of prelabor will probably hold me in good stead at the end. In the meantime, I'm very tired. And thankful for all the graciousness friends and family are bestowing upon me.

Keeping my hands busy

...while I wait.

I figured that I really ought to make some baby shoes for my own kid. I found this linen in the scraps bin at the fabric store, and it's SO SOFT. I love it!!! I may just start a new affair with linen.

My mom still has my sewing machine, so I hand-stitched these shoes. It actually didn't take very long and has been kind of therapeutic. The onesie is just a simple applique with that awesome applique fusible stuff.

The IEP Meeting

Ellis is a big boy now. We held his IEP meeting today in our home and drafted up a thorough Individualized Education Plan for when he turns three in a month and a half (eek!). Thankfully, we squeezed this in before baby.

The meeting lasted two and a half hours, and I'm satisfied with what we came up with. One of our biggest concerns was that the IEP take into consideration Ellis as a whole deaf person, not just a cochlear implant. The biggest implication for this would be where he goes to school (in our case, he will stay at PSD). But the smaller implications are in the details. If there are speech production goals, are there also ASL goals, for instance? The goals need to clearly reflect a bilingual approach and take into consideration growth and development in two languages, two modalities, with adequate support, instruction, and evaluation for both.

So we took a long time to hash through all the tiny details of both the evaluation report and the IEP draft.

The two women from the county working with us are really terrific. I imagine, on a personal level, we might not agree on everything about deaf education choices, but they respect our desires and philosophy of education and have gone the extra mile to help us get what we feel is best for our family. Ellis's Deaf teacher from the school also came (we invited her) and was great help in articulating ASL goals.

I'm really relieved that E will get to stay at PSD next year for the beginning of preschool. He'll go five days a week, which I think is crazy for 3 yos. But I'm not going to send him all day, which I think is even CRAZIER for 3yos. The program runs from 8.30 to 2.45! I'm bringing him home at noon, because he doesn't need to stay at school for a nap (LOL!) and a snack, you know? The instruction time is basically done by noon anyway.

It's kind of amazing to think that the first IEP hurdle is behind us. I kind of have to laugh at myself, too, because a few months ago, I was so obsessive about the big, scary IEP. But now I'm so absorbed with the immanent end to this pregnancy, that I kept forgetting that we had the meeting scheduled for this afternoon and almost went to get my haircut.

So now we're squared away for the upcoming school year. So far I much prefer how the IEP is set up in our county than the IFSP (the 0-3yo plan that we've been on since we started services).

May 1

My mood has gradually gotten better all day. May 1 has been the magic day I've been aiming for for the past two weeks. Now I know that the little auxiliary box I've been preparing for the birth center is not in vain. I think that deep in my mind I didn't think I'd actually get to use it. But here is May 1, I'm far enough along to have a birth center birth and not a hospital birth.

A lot of the experience of giving birth is mental. I'm convinced. It's what made E's birth so difficult in a lot of ways. I talked myself out of the fact that I was in labor, despite several glaring signs, so when there it all of a sudden was I had a hard time coping. Yes, it was nice that I didn't have to suffer through the waiting game with E, but I'm not sure if I fared much better for having to deal with all the other stuff surrounding that experience.

Now that I have the experience of childbirth one time it's easier for me to begin to imagine and hope what the next one will be like. And I think it will help me to do so. These past two weeks I've been picturing a hospital birth and imagining scenarios and conversations wherein I was advocating for how I wanted to give birth. I stayed up late one night and wrote a thorough birth plan (which I was kind of proud of in the end). A hospital transfer is not outside the realm of possiblity, but that's different than understanding "if you go into labor on this date, you WILL go to the hospital."

I have reached May 1 and have begun adjusting my mental state all day. Now I can go back to imagining a freer birth, unencumbered by wires, monitors, beds, IVs, and I'm beginning to feel excited again. If we hadn't been thrust on the roller coaster at 34 weeks, I imagine that the past few days might have felt a bit calmer. But we are where we are. And May is a lovely time to have a baby.

And for the record, I'm glad I started baby preparations when I did, even if it's sooner than some people do. Because I sure don't feel like doing anything right now. I'd still rather sit and wait and have it done!

I'm tellin' ya, this baby is just gonna fall out. He is so low! I feel punches in the top of my thigh.

More Spring at the Arboretum

In a few short weeks, spring has exploded upon the inhabitants of the local arboretum.

My favorites this time were the fiddle heads on the ferns.

And the two crazies who kept me company.

my personal roller coaster

I was feeling all excited today because I've basically made it to 36 weeks (well, as of tomorrow) and now I can deliver at the birth center instead of the hospital. My mom came for the day, and we took a long walk around the arboretum, which I've been holding back on, so it was nice to go. The baby is SO incredibly low and low back pain (that's been different from my other back pain) started last night; general yuckness. But no real contractions, just occasional Braxton Hicks. I've been holding back and resting, and today I felt excited and free to have this baby.

Then we went to my midwife appt. And I found my GBS test was positive. And she's like "It's hard when your first baby is early, because you could easily go all the way with your next." which is true. And sort of had been my mindset until our stint at the hospital a week and a half ago to stop contractions. I mentioned that I had already been at the hospital to stop labor and she was like--oh that wasn't labor or you would've have the baby; you'll have that kind of thing a lot at the end and you should just ignore it. No, they weren't contractions producing dilation, but it's hard to just ignore contractions coming every 3-5 mins for over 8 hours! Such as that stint was. whatever.

She didn't say anything that wasn't true. I could very well go all the way to 40 weeks. But she wasn't very encouraging about it either, just sort of matter-of-fact. And I kind of thought she'd do an internal exam, which she didn't, which is probably good, because unnecessary prying around is probably good to avoid, but it left me feeling like a pregnant blob and not like someone who might give birth soon. She didn't say anything encouraging about the fact that I made it this far. And in a sense, she didn't say anything different than the midwife said last time (there are 7 in the group, so I'm always seeing a different one), but last week the way the other midwife said it encouraged me and motivated me to keep persevering.

When we got to the car, I just cried. I cried all the way home and cried myself to sleep for a nap. I'm glad my mom was here.

I don't know what i was expecting. I guess I've been focusing too much on just making it to May 1 that May 29 just seemed like a laughable impossibility. Or maybe part of me even thought that if she did an internal exam she'd exclaim "holy cow! this baby is going to fall out!" I sort of feel like I've been running a marathon and starting to feel like i could spot the finish line, but someone pointed out to me that there was this whole extra 5k loop that I hadn't seen. Maybe I'll have this baby in four days, maybe in four weeks. Maybe some people just feel this crappy for weeks and weeks. And it's probably a good thing for the baby to bake a little longer. *sigh* I just feel really discouraged.

Right now I'm just trying to focus on being thankful for the little encouragements: my mom being here and my friend making us a meal for tonight.

School Fun of late

We've been having a lot of spring fun at school lately.

Almost two weeks ago, the early childhood center had their spring fling, which included presentations by all the classes. Ellis's class (the youngest) did a little play/presentation of The Very Hungry Caterpillar, which they've been studying this unit. E and his best buddy A and Cute Little Girl were the "narrators" with some help from the power point on the big screen behind them. The other kids took turns showing big posters of fruit. E and A were especially cute. They were like a standup comedy routine, totally playing off of eachother and interacting with the powerpoint. They had everybody cracking up! I wanted to make a little movie of it with my clips...there's still time. My boy's first play!!

After the presentation, the kids played outside for a bit in the warm spring sun, and then we had a little pizza lunch in the kids' classroom. E was such a little host to me, I was really touched. He went up and got a plate from the teacher who was serving and chose his little pieces of fruits and veggies (he doesn't like pizza). When the teacher instructed him to go sit down at the table, he said NO, picked up another plate and signed Mommy, and made sure I had exactly what he had and then we sat down together. It was so sweet. *melt*

Saturday was Community Day at PSD, which basically translates for our family into Inflatable Paradise. Ellis went down these slides for about two hours straight. As soon as his feet touched the ground he was saying/signing "MORE", and off to stand in line again.

The Grand Finale for the class's unit on The Very Hungry Caterpillar was a trip to the Academy of Natural Science. One of the perks of being a stay-at-home-mom: getting to go with my kid on his first field trip! And let me tell you, there's nothing cuter than a little school bus full of car seats. So how does a field trip of 2-3 year olds work? One adult per child. There were a couple of other moms/grandmas and some extra staff, and I was impressed with how smoothly everything went.

We had some time to look at the exhibits, which the kids loved.

Then it was our turn for the Butterfly Exhibit, which is a room like a greenhouse, humid and full of plants. Butterflies and moths were flying freely everywhere and sitting on the plant life. It was really cool. I think everyone was entranced from the littlest kids to all the adults.